Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky