If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”