[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Sorry. Not sorry
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet