A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.