You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.