[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
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Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
When you let grandma cat sit
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.