I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
You Might Also Like
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”