It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.