Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here