There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
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It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”