I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.