Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
The asteroid..
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.