I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet