bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”