*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning