if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Breaking news:
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end