*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Print is alive and well!!!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
this is funnier than any friends episode
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.