Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
wut hotdog?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*