Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
ibopfufen
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Muppet Screams
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air