I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
“what that mouth do?” complain
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.