I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”