[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
You Might Also Like
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Twitter is an abusement park.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.