As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.