Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Only Americans understand
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.