A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*