I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
You Might Also Like
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.