A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year