y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
You Might Also Like
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
British websites use biscuits.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”