Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Holy shit he’s back