I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)