Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.