The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
How I like cutting carbs
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six