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I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”