I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Smile they said.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Wait a minute
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES