spicy snake
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My relationship with tea has always been strained.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
tis the season
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.