7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
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3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.