So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
shampoo implies shampee
you have three unread messages
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
every. time.
I need to get some bricks…
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?