God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.