Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.