Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.