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I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
thank god
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.