flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
You Might Also Like
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.