Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
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You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
no regrets
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage