her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
You Might Also Like
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Worth the read.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.