I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
incredible book dedication
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Yep.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…