HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
You Might Also Like
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.