I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.