He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
WHY would you be happy about this?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My inexpensive home security system…
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
They got a point!
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!