Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My support group can outdrink your support group.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
#NoRestForTheWicked
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.