I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
huge if true: the moon
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body